Late in the day but still found time.

It’s late in the day for me. This is part of my problem, finding some time for me or even prioritising 10 minutes for me, it doesn’t need to be a lot. Anyway, here I am, writing later in the day but at least I am doing it! Writing stuff down really does help.

I had work today. I am proud of myself as I logged on and started to feel overwhelmed but managed to control it. I felt completely stressed but couldn’t really explain why, other than reading about COVID and thinking about all the vulnerable people out there who need help and support. There’s so much angst out there and so much needed to be done to help and support. That’s part of the job that I do that I love, is knowing what an impact my team has on people’s lives, people who are in need. At the moment I feel there is so much we need to do but far less that can be done due to COVID. It’s alarming the impact it’s having on people’s mental health and the complexities my team are now facing whilst balancing their own feelings about the pandemic, as am I. I think I felt that sudden overwhelming feeling as I tend to absorb everyone’s angst around me. Sometimes I feel it wrapped round me like a blanket and I need to shake it off so I can breathe. It’s the only way I can describe it.

On a positive note, the News relating to the Oxford University-AstraZeneca vaccine is brilliant. It really lifted my spirits after I received a family WhatsApp group message about it. Technology today is something else I could talk about but will leave it for today.

My husband has said for a while that I seem to look at negatives a lot, I feel that he is kinda right but I see it as more risk assessing things. I feel I’ve always been a bit this way and a worry wart but since having children it has become far worse. I worry about them having an accident, hurting themselves or getting ill: “be careful” was used A LOT when they were little, “calm down Or someone’s going to get hurt” is more common  now. I think I’m right to worry but it’s all about balance isn’t it? I need to regain perspective again, some risk needs to be made in order to have fun or move forward, isn’t it?  My Mum always said to me when I was younger “there’s no such thing as can’t!” I think I need to build that philosophy back into my life and stop worrying quite so much. It’s hard though.

I’ve just messaged one of my besties. She’s Miss Positive and even she’s been low today. Covid-19 has had such an impact on life as we know it. I think I’ll park that one for now too though, too many thoughts and I’m too tired to reflect on them in a rational and constructive way.

Back to the diet plan: mental preparation is needed over the next few days to get me in check to start my diet and get the new healthier version of me. I’m tired now but tomorrow I want to blog about how my body feels with the extra weight, it physical restrictions and all the pain. I want to blog in detail as I never want to forget as I never want to go back to where I am now, ever again. 

So to summarise, note to self: come back and discuss:

COVID-19 and technology

COVID-19 and mental health 

COVID-19 and socialising/ Friendships 

Weight and how it feels to ‘carry it’

It’s been mental

Life can just get in the way!

I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the past 6 years especially, a lot of soul searching, hitting the big 40, loosing a loved one, set backs again and again. 

I know my negatives; I worry too much, I risk assess everything, I have too many what ifs, my own thoughts can get so messy...I can be very insecure: thinking people don’t like me, thinking I need to try harder, thinking what if....

I wish I was funny, sometimes I can be far too serious!

I also on the other hand, I know I’m kind and caring, I know I’m a pretty good Mum and wife....

I look at what I have and need to focus on; not what I don’t have or think I don’t have or what I did have...

Life moves on

Today I’m mentally preparing myself as I need to get slimmer me back, I need to feel healthy again. If I like myself physically, I know it helps me mentally.

I’ve never taken a pill for it but I will openly admit I suffer with my mental health but I also know I’m strong and determined and don’t give up.

My kids, my family, my friends and my life partner; my husband give me warmth and love and I’ll never give up, for them and now I need to find the fight that means I’ll never give up for me.

So I’m putting to bed, why hasn’t mum called me today or WhatsApp messaged me?

I’m putting away why I feel my friends haven’t wanted to see me or why I think they haven’t or why I need more attention

I’m putting away the worry of whether I’m enough for my husband, am I sexy enough, am I all he needs?

I’m stopping worrying if my kids have had a happy childhood and if I’ve played enough and balanced the need to clean over their play time.

I’m even putting away concerns about being a good pet owner as I cannot get on top of my cats matted fur.

I’m scared to feel vulnerable, scared to admit my neediness, scared if the cat will bite, scared to be rejected and scared of failure. I avoid confrontation, I hate arguments, I can’t stand bad vibes, I’d happily hide if I see explosions ahead.

The expression “after every storm there’s a rainbow” resonates but storms can be so frightening and exhausting.

I want to dance in the sun.

I want to feel inner warmth about myself. There’s definitely an ember glowing but I need to gently grow it into a flame that can be controlled. I need to reign in the bull and I need to find the Phoenix.

Happiness comes from within 

Love me.