Good simple day

Today has been a good day?

What made the difference? Yesterday bad and today good?

I woke up feeling like I’d slept

I woke up with a positive mindset

I didn’t put pressure on myself

I spoke to my Mum (always good to hear her voice)

I used positive words in relation to myself

I tried fortnite with the kids... ermmm definitely not a skill I seem to have!

Today has just been a nice day: fire, candles... cosy!

Not a lot more I can say really except; today I appreciated the small things. Today I wanted to have a nice day. It worked!

Tough day. I look pregnant

Today has been a really tough day. Today has been a day off work and no plans. In lockdown. What can the brain do in these situations?

Let me start from the beginning of the week. I’ve taken half term off and so far this week we’ve walked in the woods, I’ve read 2 books, done some cleaning and painting. Last night I didn’t sleep well. Today it threw me. I felt tired and lower than I have done for weeks!

I couldn’t stop thinking about food. I started to cook a microwave meal at lunchtime and threw it away. I ate 4 seafood sticks and craved more. I had a large teaspoon of Nutella.... I so enjoyed it but have no idea why I felt I needed it so much. I feel I’ve tormented myself all day with food.

I looked down at this:

I felt huge.

The scales are up 1.5lb since yesterday...

I know I’ve done well since I started back on my fitness and food regime but when you look down and still feel as if you look pregnant (when you know you’re not!) it’s so disheartening. I have to keep going. I have to get myself in a better place physically (and I know mentally I’ll feel far better too) 

Damn you belly and damn you scales! Damn you brain for over thinking.

Anyway, I pulled myself together and went and did my 30minute workout. Why didn’t I do this sooner? I felt fabulous after!!

We all get low days. I need to remember that. Today could of been far far worse! I’ll take today as a victory, not a fail.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I know it will. But today hasn’t been bad now has it?!

Happy Valentines

 14th February and I’ve still kept to my health and fitness regime along with no booze since 2nd Jan. I’m very proud of myself.

Today I’ve got to keep the “guilt” demon in check. Today I’d planned a couple of “off plan” treats due to a family Valentine meal we’re all cooking. When in lockdown I feel like celebrating these occasions more than usual, I suppose it breaks up the mundaneness of everything. 

Kids planned a surprise by baking 3 types of cakes for us today and the youngest is so pleased he keeps asking us if we want more.  What a sweet idea and how lovely! Now I feel so guilty for eating it and wanting more. How do I keep it in check? How will I feel tomorrow after so much indulgence? 

Keep the guilt monster in check. So hard. Emotional control and food is so hard. Perhaps calling it a “monster” is half the issue? Self control and guilt is a balance I need to keep in check. I will do this. It’s not difficult really is it? 

My boys did something lovely. I enjoyed it. Move on.

I’m lucky to feel as loved as I am.

One month in

 30th January and the month has flow by. On the whole I can say that January has been a good month! Usually I get so low at the beginning of the year but I suppose I didn’t have the high of Christmas in the same way, so can’t come down?

Perhaps I’m just in a better headspace?

Who knows but I’ll take it.

I’ve not had any alcohol since 2nd Jan, I’ve fitted exercise in 4 times (at least) a week and I’ve been eating a low carb, healthy diet. I didn’t weigh myself on the 2nd January, I just couldn’t  bring myself to do it. I weighed myself today, knowing I’d certainly lost probably a stone. Deep down I know how much last year. I could feel how much if put on due to my restricted mobility, breathlessness, tiredness and the list goes on, but I just couldn’t weigh myself and be faced with the number.  So here I am now. It is what it is. I wish the scales didn’t have the number I was faced with but I stood on, faced with reality but knowing it is coming down, I know that much.

Another stone in 4 weeks... here we go! I can do this. I’m so excited about getting back into clothes, I’m so excited about feeling my fitness and well-being improve. I’m looking forward to being able to spend time with my family again (my parents, sister and nephews). I’ve got so much to look forward to. A life to live. I’ve only got one so let’s make it a good one.

So, how am I doing it?

I’m using the treadmill so far on the ifit programme with a mix of incline walking and some jogging interval training. I’m eating about 1000 calories per day (using 1:1 diet by cambridge weight plan products to keep me on track). At the weekend we’re having a special breakfast which usually consists of lean sausages (2) poached eggs, dried fried tomato and mushrooms with mashed avocado. So yummy.

Here I am. Feeling good. Feeling thankful but the cherry on the cake would be to have a glass of wine. It’s the one thing I’m craving but I know I need to abstain for now. I know how many calories are in alcohol and I know it gives me the munchies. I know if I open the gate it’ll be one or two Fridays and Saturdays which I know I can’t do with 4 stone to lose.

Jason will be home soon. Putting up a punch bag. This is the next stage to fitness and mental well-being plan, a good punch and let it all out plus burn some fat at the same time.

I know I’m saying it again but I know how lucky I am. I adore my husband. My kids are such wonderful boys. I have such supportive parents and sister plus I have 5 (and more) special ladies in my life that I’m so grateful to have. Financially we’re ok. A lovely house and so much to look forward to. 

2021 is the year to get me in check. I’ve 5months and I don’t want to veer off track. I can do this! 

Guilt and paranoia

 I can’t believe it’s been near 2 weeks since I posted last. It’s been a good 2 weeks though!

We are still in a national lockdown, I still can’t spend time with the people I love (other than my husband and two boys who I’m always grateful for) but I’m here, it’s January and I’m in a positive place.

No alcohol since January 2nd, healthy eating and gradually building on my exercise. All good. 

I carry around a lot of guilt and have no idea why. I think it’s when the guilt turns to paranoia that I lose myself. Guilt of:” is Jason’s dad ok by himself, is he truly managing?  Are my boys emotionally fine in this pandemic? Do we spend enough time with them? Do I make enough effort with my friends? “ Could some of this be the control freak in me? Am I more guilt than paranoia because I’m currently fixated on fitness and healthy eating? 

I literally have no idea but I’m feeling good about my efforts. The lockdown has taken away the choice to surrender to my guilt and focus on getting me back. I love the journey as I’m on it with Jason too.

Ive actually managed some interval walk-jogging. I wobble, it kills me but my foots holding up and I’m succeeding. I’m winning in so many ways. We’re doing ok and I wanted to share that with you, 

I read this on the 1:1 diet by cambridge weight plan site and it really resonated with me and it’s so true. Always keep trying to be the best version of yourself!

Why it’s hard work being fat!

I’ve decided to list the things that weight does that you kinda forget when you’ve lost it. This post is a reminder so I never take it for granted again and remember the small things, the things that really can make you feel miserable:

1. Cutting or painting your toes gets soooo much harder to bend

2. Putting on socks and knickers so much harder. The awkwardness of bending is such a challenge

3. Bending to shave your legs is harder too

4. Aching hips

5. Aching lower back

6. Wearing huge pants!

7. My stomach hangs low almost between my legs

8. When I’m sitting down I have a shelf to wrest my arms or coffee on which although it sounds like a positive, it shouldn’t be.

9. My stomach skin gets sweaty and sore. I have to shower once a day, if not twice because of this. (It’s also nice to be clean). When it gets sore though it’s awful, so painful and I worry as it has a smell to it too. So not nice!

10. I’m so body conscious, even in front of my ever loving husband. I know he loves me no matter what my shape or size but I just don’t feel “nice” or sexy. I what to be so much to him

11. I don’t even think about clothes now. I have a handful of items I know fit and I dread having to buy anything new 

12. My feet are bigger

13. My hands are bigger and I can’t wear my wedding rings

14. When I jump my stomach jumps about a second later than the rest of me and hurts (due to the flapping about)

15. I definitely get more tired carrying the weight

16. I can’t go up the stairs with ease like I used to. Sometimes I find I’m dragging myself up them

17. I don’t like to look in the mirror. 

18. I definitely don’t want a full length pic or a sitting down picture of myself 

19. I can’t run and play with the kids. I just don’t have the speed or energy!

20. Leg rubbings and sore skin

21. Leg rubbing so your trousers thin so much quicker between your legs

22. Worrying when you need to sit on a chair, the paranoia as it looks flimsy and ‘what if’ it breaks?!

I think I’ll keep this list open and add things as I think of them. 

 

Week one in the bag

Such a busy week this week. Such a positive week. I’m going to list all my wins:

1. Back to work (from home), a whole week and a productive one at that.

2. Homeschooling week one done, we all survived except one small blip.

3. Food plan stuck to, all healthy eating supported by my 1:1 Diet by cambridge weight plan products.

4. Two challenging walks on the treadmill and one family walk in our local woods done, plus a family workout. Just enough to start me off feeling more active.

5. Feeling so much more positive. Felt myself not hiding, arranged a few WhatsApp and zoom meets and didn’t stress about it (I know I’d been hiding away, embarrassed by how much weight I’d put on)

I’ve found myself feeling like a bit of the old me, whatever that means.  Following bereavement and losing people close to you it’s such a journey. I miss my mother-in-law so much, we spoke most days at least once, it was so hard to adjust to not seeing her or hearing from her anymore but now 16months on I still miss her but I’ve got used to the lose somehow. I still miss her but don’t feel it has a hold over me anymore. 

Week one and I feel I can do this. 

I will lose weight again and I will feel happy. I’m a lucky one 🍀😍

Writing down your wins is so important!