It’s been mental

Life can just get in the way!

I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the past 6 years especially, a lot of soul searching, hitting the big 40, loosing a loved one, set backs again and again. 

I know my negatives; I worry too much, I risk assess everything, I have too many what ifs, my own thoughts can get so messy...I can be very insecure: thinking people don’t like me, thinking I need to try harder, thinking what if....

I wish I was funny, sometimes I can be far too serious!

I also on the other hand, I know I’m kind and caring, I know I’m a pretty good Mum and wife....

I look at what I have and need to focus on; not what I don’t have or think I don’t have or what I did have...

Life moves on

Today I’m mentally preparing myself as I need to get slimmer me back, I need to feel healthy again. If I like myself physically, I know it helps me mentally.

I’ve never taken a pill for it but I will openly admit I suffer with my mental health but I also know I’m strong and determined and don’t give up.

My kids, my family, my friends and my life partner; my husband give me warmth and love and I’ll never give up, for them and now I need to find the fight that means I’ll never give up for me.

So I’m putting to bed, why hasn’t mum called me today or WhatsApp messaged me?

I’m putting away why I feel my friends haven’t wanted to see me or why I think they haven’t or why I need more attention

I’m putting away the worry of whether I’m enough for my husband, am I sexy enough, am I all he needs?

I’m stopping worrying if my kids have had a happy childhood and if I’ve played enough and balanced the need to clean over their play time.

I’m even putting away concerns about being a good pet owner as I cannot get on top of my cats matted fur.

I’m scared to feel vulnerable, scared to admit my neediness, scared if the cat will bite, scared to be rejected and scared of failure. I avoid confrontation, I hate arguments, I can’t stand bad vibes, I’d happily hide if I see explosions ahead.

The expression “after every storm there’s a rainbow” resonates but storms can be so frightening and exhausting.

I want to dance in the sun.

I want to feel inner warmth about myself. There’s definitely an ember glowing but I need to gently grow it into a flame that can be controlled. I need to reign in the bull and I need to find the Phoenix.

Happiness comes from within 

Love me.